Peanut had his/her first close up last week. This was a monumental day for me since those five weeks that just CRAWLED by were filled with fears, anxieties, and horror stories about miscarriages, accidents, and omglookateverythingthatcouldgowrong. I wanted to see the ultrasound so bad so I could just be RID of all those ugly feelings. I didn’t sleep a wink the night before and was in tears the next morning, so worried of what I might find in the ultrasound.
While the ultrasound was absolutely precious…and went perfectly fine… I did learn one thing. So you know all those times growing up your parents’ fears about your choices and friends and activities would get downright annoying and you just wanted them to let you go?? I mean curfews and interviewing your dates and getting phone numbers of where you were going and blablabla. Well, those fears started the SECOND they found out about you…when you were the size of a chocolate sprinkle. And they will probably never…ever…end.
The good part: As I sat in that chair and watched my baby…OUR baby!… flail about on that screen, my heart melted. He was really in there. He had a face and arms and legs and he was moving! A lot! It was mesmerizing to watch because I don’t feel a thing. I haven’t done anything to focus any energy on my belly so that a person could begin growing. But yet there he was, dancing away as we watched, his heart beating so fast. And I felt relief that he was ok. That’s just all I wanted. To know he was fine.
But then the doctor proceeded to tell me about all the other tests we could opt to take: to find out about cystic fibrosis and downs syndrome and etc. That fear began to crawl back up my throat. I was also reminded I’m not quite out of the first trimester yet, which isn’t a big deal but omg what if we still miscarry? My heart is pitter pattering a little more by now. Then I read a blog that afternoon in which a friend’s sister-in-law gave birth to a stillborn baby. Fear choking my throat at this point.
And as I talked later that week with another pregnant friend, we both realized this won’t end. Every season of our child’s life will be filled with what-if’s and worries. Once they’re born, we watch them carefully as they sleep. Once they walk, we make sure they don’t fall. Once they go to school, we want to shield them from bullies and mean teachers. And as they grow into adults, we want them to make good choices and pick good friends and take a good path in life.
Starting now, I can either choose to simply give in and freak out about every little possible horrible thing. Which would mean a lifetime of being miserable. OR…I can trust that God is knitting my little tyke into an amazing person with an amazing purpose. I can TRUST whatever path this takes our family down, God is at the end of it. If things get chaotic, God will be our peace. I can trust I will learn to be a mom along the way, Cody will learn to be a dad, and Baby will learn that life is an incredible journey. I can’t wait to meet my kid.
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.