Sometimes I just feel stifled in this life. Ya know? It’s hard to have faith, whether things are happy, sad, or in between. Sometimes I just want Jesus to be HERE. I know He is, but I want Him to come back and make everything alright for everyone like He promised and let me catch a small glimpse, just to keep me going…and just for everyone else to catch a glimpse, so they know that He is worth living for and that your choices to do right are worth something.
I feel stifled because my mind wants to run free but there always seems to be a task on hand. If I could, I would just think on God all day…maybe that sounds boring. But to read His word and be taken deeper into the depths of what and Who He is would be an incredibly life-changing thing. It would change the world if we all did that.
I feel stifled because I don’t feel like I can be who I want to be…and who God wants me to be. The difference is, I am learning, that while I may get disappointed in myself, God is not disappointed. He knows He’s not finished with me; He knows and sees the end product. And I know the whole time He’s saying, Just hold on! I’m not done, there’s so much work to do but how beautiful it will be when I am finished with you!
I was listening to a song this morning on the way to work. One of the versus described me right now so well that I found myself in tears…
Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You’ll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You’re by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I’m caught in the middle
That’s where I am…standing there, afraid and ready to bolt out the door while wanting to plant myself on the altar and tell God that I will give up my own dreams for His. I’m such a control freak that sometimes bolting or stepping back into the boat sounds more appealing. I try to create peace with everything I think that needs done and playing every role in my life so perfectly that I leave no room for God’s peace…and I am left wondering why I am in turmoil.
Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going… -john 13