You would think that since I’m done working, I’d have more time to blog. But nesting has reared its ugly head, and between that and putting my grotesquely swollen ankles up, time quickly slips through my pudgey hands.
I am definitely in the home stretch. I am 36 weeks pregnant, 37 this weekend, which is actually considered full-term. I am literally a walking time bomb. And I’ll bet if you ask my husband, he’d say that’s true on several different levels.
Some days, I feel like I will explode with excitement and happiness because I get to meet Heidi SO SOON. Just Saturday morning, I was making cupcakes for Cody’s birthday, drinking coffee, and literally dancing and singing around the kitchen because I was so happy. She is coming! Sooner rather than later! I will actually see her and hold her and kiss her and change her nasty diaper! I will finally see if she looks like me or Cody. I can finally snuggle her. I can finally count her toes and her fingers and and tickle her tummy and put her in all these cute outfits. I can put her in her bouncy seat in the living room while I sit and wonder how the heck she ever got out of my belly. (Ha, or I’ll remember EXACTLY how she got out and thank the good Lord I survived). We’ll finally be our little family of three, and life couldn’t possibly get any better. Simply put, I feel like I’ve got it.
Then other days…which seems like most lately…I feel I’ve completely lost it. I am crying…no, SOBBING…for no reason at all. I’m mad at Cody for no reason at all. I’m slamming doors and freaking out and wandering aimlessly around the house for no reason at all. I buy things I don’t need because I feel like I need them to be ready. I clean the most ridiculous things because heaven forbid Heidi sees that thing dirty. I make lists upon lists upon lists….even when I’m laying in bed. I find them everywhere…in the bathroom, in my purse, in my pockets, stuffed in the couch, in the garage…I even found one in my underwear drawer the other day. Not sure about that one….
While my productivity level is sky high, so is my stress. As I run out of things to put together/buy/do for her, I start to feel nervous. I think, there’s GOT to be more left to do, I am bringing a BABY home with me in a matter of weeks. (I just got tears typing that…and I don’t even know if they were happy tears or stressed tears, haha). It’s got to be more complicated than sitting and waiting. But alas, it’s true. A good friend told me recently that as long as I have a crib, diapers, and love, I am ready to bring her home. *blink* I have more than that and I still don’t feel quite ready.
But I was reminded this morning that I cannot blame things on my hormones or let the anxiety of having a baby get the best of me. Fighting with Cody and huge ice cream binges and letting myself sit in a pile of stress all day are not healthy activities for me or the baby. In the car today, I was listening to the album Stop & Listen by Bethany Dillon. This has been an album of anthems for me lately, and this song jumped out at me:
I wake up , start the rush and pour some coffee.
Things to do pile up oh so quickly.
Too many days I feel like I run on empty.
Does anyone else out there feel like me?
But I’d be a fool to forfeit the chance to take a moment….
For You to rise like the dawn over my cold, tired heart.
What I thought I had lost finds me when I stop….
Stop and listen….
It’s the same slowing down lesson we all learn
But I don’t pay much attention till I crash and burn
So all together, let’s stop and sit at His feet.
Bottom line is that the baby could come at any time, and that is stressful. But I am also reminded I cannot give in to the anxiety. I cannot run on empty, especially now that at any second, Heidi could decide to come. I have a place to go where I can find peace and meaning and quietness in the chaos. And Lord KNOWS I need to learn that now because once Heidi gets here, things will only intensify. And I can either let them get worse, or I can let the love of God soak into my spirit and teach me how to be a good mom and wife in the midst of one crazy life. I don’t want to miss a second with my husband or my girl, and I will if I keep paying attention to those blasted dusty corners in my house or if I let hundreds of lists blind me to the one thing I cannot buy at the store: my family.
We’re finally here. The wonder of first trimester has been replaced by nervousness. The energy of second trimester has been replaced by exhaustion and swelling and pain. This is just part of the beginning of the end, which leads into one big amazing beginning. And the God who put me in this place hasn’t, and won’t, change a bit.
And for those who are interested, nursery pictures!