So much for reflecting on Advent. *sigh* It came and went so fast, and time for reflection is slim these days. But I’m not complaining. Heidi is getting so big. She is sleeping less and needing me to entertain her more during the day, so until I am able to stay up past her bedtime, writing will have to wait.
The new year seems like a perfect time to take a snapshot of life as we know it right now. 2010 was a big year for us. There were lots of ups, but lots of downs as well. In the middle of it, it felt all messy and crazy. But now looking back, I feel a deep satisfaction at how we handled things and I realize it’s just a part of our little journey.
The biggest change, obviously, was that we became a family of three. Cody and I had no idea how much this would change our lives. Sure, you always say that you know you’ll get less sleep, you won’t go out as much, or things will in general be different. But we feel we can safely say that life has been completely transformed for us. That’s not something another parent can tell you. It’s something you have to actually experience. Trial by fire, as they say. We never could have guessed how tough, how rewarding, and how completely crazy parenthood would be.
I recently found a list of New Year’s Resolutions stuffed deep in the bowels of my purse (which, sadly, I hardly use anymore because my diaper bag has replaced it). Some of the items were: learn to sew, start a book club, learn new recipes every month, volunteer more, run a marathon, and finish painting/decorating our house. Needless to say, I didn’t completely use my time wisely before Heidi was born, and I didn’t quite have time at all after she was born. I was struck by guilt and a little bit of disappointment as I looked at the list. I remember how I felt when I wrote it all down: excited, inspired, and motivated.
While I didn’t manage any but two of those resolutions, there are things I managed to accomplish this year anyway. I quit my job (accomplishment??? HAHA). I had a baby (that HAS to be worth double points…right??). I got the hang of nursing and am still going strong at four months, which I am honestly very proud of. I am settling into the groove of being a stay-at-home mom, one of the absolute hardest jobs I have ever had in my life. I’m learning to let go a little bit…let go of a messy house, let go of my fears regarding Heidi and life in general, let go of my over-protective mommy habits by leaving Heidi with a sitter so I can have some time to myself.
Maybe I wasn’t as productive as I wanted to be last year. Maybe I don’t look as great as I was hoping I would. Maybe sometimes I lost it when I really wanted to hold it together. And I might have handled some things with a little less grace than I should have.
But we’ve landed on the eve of a brand new year ahead of us. And just like the sunrise, it’s newness is guaranteed but it’s passing is inevitable. Regardless of last year’s disappointments and failures, I find myself still sitting in the lap of God, still surrounded by the amazing love of my family and friends, and still blessed beyond what’s possibly fair.
Those thoughts alone breathe strength into me as I look forward to 2011. Because no matter what happens, I am sure I’ll be able to say I was loved once it’s over.
“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”