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speak

God gave me a song today.

I was driving to work. I had shaken off the headache I woke up with by going for a short jog with my dog and pouring myself some hot coffee. I had had a rough night, feeling sad and crying for what seemed like no reason. Even Cody couldn’t make me feel better. I just wanted to curl up and cry and be miserable. I couldn’t decide if they were residue tears from my Saturday cry or if these had a reason of their own.

So this morning, during my shower, I played some country music to liven my spirit. It helped. That’s it. I thought to myself. I just need to loosen up, play some good loud music, and have some fun with my day. And when I got in the car, I almost didn’t want to put on worship music so it wouldn’t remind me how dry I have felt spiritually.

But flipping through my CD case, I found an old mix I made with the title God Is Enough. So I popped it in. The first song was nice and peaceful to listen to. (Plus, most of the singers on this CD make me sound good when I sing along…definitely a plus.) 😉

Then I heard this song.

I’ve been through the valley of the shadow of death
And I’ve lived in the land of despair
But here in this silence, alone and afraid
Is a sadness I could not compare

So visit me here in the dark.
Let me know your love.
I linger as long as it takes,
I will wait with all my might.

Speak to me
I’m longing to hear
Your voice in the night
Calling out
Meet with me
You’re all I desire
For your love
Is better than life
And all I need
Is here in Your presence
Here in Your Word
Speak to me

So let me just tell you what is in my heart today. I want to go. I want to help. I want to love. There is SO MUCH heartache, and we are so shielded from it in our 8-5 jobs, at our desks, in our cubicles, and past our overabundant tables. Don’t get me wrong; I am humbled God has blessed me. Incredibly humbled, sometimes I just shrink under the weight of all the good things He has placed in my life. But inside somewhere, I have always wanted to see a new land, experience a new culture, tell people I genuinely care.

Before you say anything, I do know I can do good things here. In fact, there are THOUSANDS of good things to do here…places to volunteer and people to help. I know I can love people wherever I am, wherever I work, wherever I go. And I do the best with what I have right now. BUT…when something is just in you and moves you and pushes you, you can’t ignore it. That’s how I feel.

There are some things that cannot be felt by the heart unless you are just totally removed from your typical daily life and placed somewhere that’s just totally opposite of where you’ve come from, what you’ve grown up in, and what you have learned. I want to be deepened and stretched by those things.

Cody and I are going on a mission trip in 2009. I can’t tell you how excited I am. Our church has trips to Nicaragua, Nepal, Toronto, Flagstaff, and South Africa next year. What will God do??

There are other updates. But I had to get this down before the moment got away in the midst of copies and post-its and to-do lists. And I don’t mean to write about my crying to get any pity or comfort or why-didn’t-you-call-me?! comments. It’s just a part of being human (ha, maybe more for me than others) and it can be a good thing. So don’t worry about me.

Thanks for reading. 🙂

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