Well…it’s been a hot minute, hasn’t it?

I could say life has been crazy. But I think it’s more me. I’m crazy.

I so wish I could go outside and play right now. *sigh* The sky is so fallish and the leaves were so pretty when I ran an errand to Office Depot this afternoon. The crinkly candy wrappers in my candy bowl make me think of Halloween. The chilly air whispers of upcoming holidays and colder weather. There’s never enough time to enjoy these kinds of things. Don’t you think? It could be my fault…maybe I am too busy. But I don’t have much to work with once my work day is over.

Lately I have felt restricted in my circumstances…with my schedule, work, trying to lead something that resembles a well-balanced life. The problem is, when you add up the things that make life well-balanced…working out, eating well, sleeping enough, spending time with the husband/friends/family…you end up with more hours than you actually get in a day.

And in the midst of all that even, my prayer life has been miniscule. I know this is a mistake, and I’m trying to correct it. I know prayer can happen at any point in the day, there’s definitely something different about blocking off a little bit of uninterupted time to actually SEEK GOD. And I’m still trying to even learn what that means.

I’ve been a Christian for a long time. I grew up in the church, but I would say it’s been more my own for 13 years. I had lots of journaling and prayer and adventure in college…mission trip to Germany, lots of bible studies, constant learning, surrounded by people who had crazy plans and out-there dreams…and growth was easy to come by.

But in this time of normal life…mundane and achingly normal…I’m determined to find out from God what it is I need to learn still. I wonder why, sometimes, we have not been called to some other life, some other country, some other exciting thing. I find myself embarassed by the twinges of jealousy I feel as I look at facebook profiles and blogs of friends who are traveling, writing, painting, serving, and teaching in far off places.

This new season is shrinking me more and more and making me realize that while I thought I knew God, I definitely do not. And shame on me and the lines I’ve drawn and the boxes I’ve built so that I could feel better about myself.

My friend Laura recently reminded me of this Nichole Nordeman song (can you tell NN is one of my favorites?)

I was certain that I knew You at the tender age of twelve
You’d so often been described by those who said they knew You well
Dark and rugged in Your thirties with a smile as bright as Your robe

Every teacher, every preacher with the very best intent
Found new ways to hide the mystery replaced by common sense
And to know You was to keep You in my pocket, so easy to hold

I know I can’t explain You, I would not even try to
And yet it’s clear that You are here beside me
I marvel and I wonder, so near and somehow still so far
What makes You who You are?

It is easy to insist on what is packaged and precise
And dismiss the clear suspicion that You’re bigger than we’d like
It is tempting to regard You as familiar in so many ways

I’ve tried to draw these lines around You, a definition or an absolute
But I could not be satisfied with black or white
There is so much more, there is so much You

He must become greater; I must become less. john 3:30